Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
