I didn't shave. On purpose
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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