she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
