And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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