did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
