Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
