Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
