I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
