i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
