Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
