everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
