My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
too bad you live with your parents still
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
