after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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