You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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