and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize