I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
