i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
