Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
