I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
