you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
someone owes me an orgasm
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
