the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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