Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
