It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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