Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
