Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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