alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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