I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You dont lie about slip and slides
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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