Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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