If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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