no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize