I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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