I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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