I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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