Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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