I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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