How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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