Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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