i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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