hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
