I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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