I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
