if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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