eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Everything about him screamed your future.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
