my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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