the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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