Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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