I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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