I met the friendliest cop last night
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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