from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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