literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
