have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
