I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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