There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
