YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
